Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
bad news gang
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.