Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!