Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I hate when people be tryna do shit outta sprite
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.