Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
You deplete me
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.