@JasonCarney31

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

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@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@BlindChow

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

@SufficientCharm

6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead

10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS

@Kids_kubed

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

@KKAlThani

Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.

@vineyille

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

@UnFitz

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.