[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Death certificates are our last participation award.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub