[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
When I face a minor setback
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Just a friendly reminder!
