Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@NolaChef504

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

@UnFitz

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

@WilliamAder

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

@Staggfilms

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

@Fat_Jalbert

Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
[later]
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect

@Aikiwomannc

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

@breatheandlove

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.