@rockymomax

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

You Might Also Like

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@jergarl

I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@junejuly12

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@b0dymassage

‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’

“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”

‘Well its about time, right?’

“RIGHT”

@murrman5

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”