[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh