Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.