Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
– Spider tinder
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’
“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”
‘Well its about time, right?’
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”