
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
[later]
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: thatโs my son
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.