@B0niferd
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
@rockymomax
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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@B0niferd
@Cpin42
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
@jergarl
I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.
@mofrorock
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*– Spider tinder
@PaulyPeligroso
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
@FakeDeanAccount
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
@junejuly12
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
@GrantTanaka
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
@b0dymassage
‘Joe whats that package ya got today?’
“ITS MY BOOK ABOUT CLOCKS. I ORDERED IT LIKE 2 MONTHS AGO”
‘Well its about time, right?’
“RIGHT”
@murrman5
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”