jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
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It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
This is hilarious
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
The game has officially changed 😎
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
cats when you pet them too long:
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one