[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Seals are just dog mermaids.