Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.