[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Milk Cube
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I might give this a try 😏
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor