Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
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what it’s like dating me:
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings