[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.