[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Hey Fugeddaboutit
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
A bold strategy
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day