Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

want me to check your oil?

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?