Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces