Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

bros in the example zone 😭

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

We need it on priority

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

And bowling should be called pinball

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?