Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
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A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
good morning
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Got him!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha