Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed