Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl