Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.