@Reverend_Scott

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

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@Coolisiana

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@cheeky__gal

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@jonnysun

*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@robin_991

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.