Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]
JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]
[Jesus and God hi-5]
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT
Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
*slips on a banamna peel* *lifts up banamna peel w/ end of pen* somone get the detective,. somwhere out there, theres a nude banana
“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.