JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”