JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet