Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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How do I get a job writing these texts
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
That 👊
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba