Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
watching gymnastics
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat