Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that