Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
