Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?