@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

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@dmc1138

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@momjeansplease

Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

@brennadine

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

@PhoenixRises69

It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.