JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.


I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.


Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?


Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”


[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what


My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.


Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.


It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.