Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.