Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.