Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that