JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Bootstraps
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.