Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

this is so top tier i cant

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

put ‘er there pardner!

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.