Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?