Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.

watergate? u mean a dam??

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”