Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language