Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

The Compass

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.