Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076