Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You should try keto
Me:

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

My inexpensive home security system…

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

⛄️

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.