Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
shit just got real
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here