Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago