Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

When you’re Kinky but poor

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

😆this is so true

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.