Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.