Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.