Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.