Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans