Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

quarantine day 3

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk