Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village