Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.