Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
the simulation is moving too fast
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.