Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
she has a point
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark