Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.