[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘