[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”