Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
much to think about
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.