Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me too 😆
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today