Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Auto correct is my worst enema.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Sharon I have some bad news
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
