Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
#DesignFail
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.