I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
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you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.