Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

January has been Januweary

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.