Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk