Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.