Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
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KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.