Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Me when I hear gossip

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Knock Knock

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

brian had himself a morning…

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what