Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
You Might Also Like
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My dream car is a taco truck.
normalize having existential bread
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.