Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Theirye’re” problem solved

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors