Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now