Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Cat or sheep

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.