*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…