Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy