Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
🤣😂
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Don’t talk down to me
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.