Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

My brain is a bad influence on me

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

God tier horse name today on the sims

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.