Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frankenstein?

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that